Everyone loves malt liquor. This was recorded in August and it's still sorta warm in Vegas. So, hopefully it doesn't sound too late. Musical interludes by Tae Woodz. Click fucking here for iTunes or some shit, playboy.
With the announcement of the McVegan burger's release in locations in Finland and Sweden, Grimace McDonald (surviving domestic partner of the late Ronald McDonald) has made a public statement.
"Duh, my partner and I did not get into the fast food industry for this. We were pioneers. We were meat lovers. Duh, I'm all for progress and alternative lifestyles clearly. But not like this..."
Ms. McDonald also went on to say that ze late partner is likely rolling over in his grave and that ze specifically feels that this vegan attack/culinary monstrosity shows the company has reached it's lowest point since the introduction of the McGriddle. "Society has been permanently broken. Like the machine that makes McFlurries...it's [expletive]ing broken, my [expletive]gas. Pour out a shamrock shake for the dead homies."
While many have been moved by Grimace's words, others are merely impressed that ze is so trill. Meanwhile, Vegans continue to only go to McDonald's because they don't really have a choice or because they are hanging out with that friend.
Throughout our lives, we come in contact with a lot of fucking mascots. These things sell us food, fuel, appear on all of our currency in powdered wigs, promote alcohol and cheeses (#buzzedwithbabybel). They aren't a sponsor, I just had to see who was fucking with cheese. You? Well, guess what? You're wrong. At least according to The Vegans.
If you aren't sure who The Vegans are, you probably don't have the internet. So, why are you even here? Oh, yeah! Because of sports. Most sports mascots ain't vegan at all. And it only goes to show that millionaires don't just hate black folks, they hate everything on the planet. I mean, what kind of asshole has millions of dollars and only thinks about himself. This is egregious. It's basically 2018. The tables need to get to turnin', feel me?
Shout out to all the vegan mascots and team names. We got the San Antonio spurs. Spurs are not meat. the Miami Heat. Heat is definitely vegan. The Tampa bay lighting. Lighting is super vegan. It's a plasma!
Shout out to Mr. Met and the Philly Phanatic. I mean, if we murdered and ate them, I suppose it would be meat, but why would we do that.
Now, occasionally it's hard to determine whether a mascot is plant based. It's an issue that plagues us all but luckily I'm here to help. Things are not always as they seem. For example, the Orlando Magic...Magic is not vegan, y'all. There are too many newt eyes in it. Word to Gaia.
I know this can be shocking and in some cases even heartbreaking. Like, I love LSU. Let me break it down this way. It will make more sense. I love the LSU Tigers! Yeah. Go Tigahs! But I can't talk about it in public because it isn't vegan enough. The lack of vegan anthropomorphic representation is an oversight (which vegans won't forgive) at best. At worst, it just shows how delicious animals are. But that has nothing to do with animal mascots. The average mascot makes like 20 racks a year. These folks deserve more than that. We've got to be more conscious with our sports dollars. The NFL boycott worked out (I guess), and it's time to take it to the next level.
So, just know that when you are at a sporting event and someone does something funny in a Tiger costume. That they are degrading an endangered species that has does nothing to harm you, even though it would if it could. And you supportin' that shit, my nigga. Really? Shame on you. You're wildin'. You don't care about the tigers, playboy?
Randall 'Crabmeat' Thompson is a stand up comedian based out of Las Vegas, NV. He dreamed a dream of time gone by.