People often refer to the game of baseball as the "great American pastime". Given the history of the United States, I'm pretty sure violence itself is a way more popular tradition than any sporting event (with the exception of Monopoly, but that depends on gun laws in your state). If this is somehow a shock to you, please bookmark this post, then finish middle school. Now that you are woke to the truth about major sports leagues, use that wokeness and consider these much needed changes. We can't keep living this lie that baseball is our great pastime.
In the interest of time, let's leave apple pie and French fries out of this. Those are just a few things and colors of people that are arguably 'American'. We've got to stay focused on what really matters: Simply, there are just too many people surviving these games.
There is some serious revamping that needs to occur to a 'sport' that involves a grown man throwing a ball at another grown man at 100 mph. I mean, surely there are better ways to deal with a problem then to repeatedly throw a hardball at someone, well above legal highway speeds. At the very least, it's a real dick move. Then to add insult to (non)injury, you're going to do the same to 8 of his friends? For an entire afternoon. It's nonsense. Seriously, why even waste your time trying to throw it past the guy? My proposed "True American" style of the sport proposes that you get points for hitting the guy. Also, thicker helmets.
If a nigga throws a hard ass ball of string at me, I'm not going to try to hit it over his head. Hell no. You're trying to assault me and incite a riot at that point. If I have a bat (ie a metal pipe design for swinging), I'm going to come running at you with it. As far as long range attacks? You can forget all of that "knock it out of the part" BS. I'm gonna be aiming for his chest.
In True American baseball, there will still be teams, but the only people on the the field will be the pitcher, the batter, and the coroner. Good, old fashioned, cut-throat fucking baseball! No need for jerseys. Chain mail, playboy. Chewing tobacco might be justified because you probably want to catch a buzz before you step up to the plate and risk it all. Imagine it. A game where every single play has the crowd going wild. All that extra field will still be put to good use. It will be a fitting to place to bury the people that died playing the game we all love. And for the ones that survive, but are seriously injured..they'll bring out the seventh inning stretcher so they can get the medical attention the need.
On an unrelated note: if I ever have children, they will not be playing True American baseball (or any other American sports, for that matter). They will be playing my new and improved version of the exotic, international favorite, Uno. What are my rules to Uno? I'll explain it in the future but for now...Let's just say that it's a game about existentialism for children age 3+. It's also great for anyone is dealing with the recent loss of a baseball player in their family.
Randall 'Crabmeat' Thompson is a stand up comedian based out of Las Vegas, NV. He dreamed a dream of time gone by.